Woo Hoo! Just saw Asian kids with rocker mullets. Tried to get a picture on my phone, but you know how those ninjas are.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
I'm sending you the three minute video I jus took,....it's of me eating a pear up close
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
I don't think I'll get invited back. I drunkenly told her that her kids would be perfect for a pro-abortion campaign.
i showed up really high and was trying to not be,so in order to not seem high, i got plastered
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
You know you've hit a new slutty low when you're simultaneously sexting and having a tea party with a 4 year old
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Randomize
