Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
Why do i feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear?
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Look, sometimes you have to snapchat a topless photo of yourself in the middle of class just to prove you can. I can and I did. End of argument.
Dashing through the vodka, in a tinder swiping rage, all the fuck boys get a no, laughing all the way.
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
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