I am dying of drunk and no thats not a typo.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Just saw a dude dressed as captain america driving down the highway. He saluted me.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
I walked into Anna's room this morning and she was like teary eyed, with pizza sauce all over the place
Crying into a glass of wine at 10 am isn't exactly how I planned this day to go
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
My dad accidentally texted me asking if I had weed...
Maybe you should say yes, and you guys can like bond or something...
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
