final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Idk, it's Grover wearing a sombrero. Do I need a reason?
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
No I kepy moaning and just called out a name to make them believe I was actually having sex instead of masturbating.
You kept running around yelling "I need my pajamas" & then you got naked. Shit just went downhill from there.
Its one of those days... someone might die
Would a picture of my dick help?
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