We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
some girl just asked me how to spell unconscious. I really want to know what she was texting.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I just want to have such an intense orgasm that my heart stops and I die. I mean that would kind of suck for the guy I'm fucking but then again he could be like "I'm that good"
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
