There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
You climbed out your own window and walked in the front door..
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Uh, he still talks to you after you basically sexually harassed him using emojis?
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
I can't decide if I miss drinking or you, they are so closely connected.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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