Just fell off a train. Bad.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I just had a formal request to dress as a boyscout for my meeting with Legal on Friday. From Legal. Time to go home.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
It's because of weed that I don't mind driving an hour to visit my family. And it's because of you that there's weed in my life. Thank you.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
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