Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Someone put pennies in the toilet. This isn't a fucking wishing well
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
