you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
My mom is selling her car. I'm secretly relieved I won't ever have to tell her about that time you puked in it
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
I’ve been home 1 day and already had sex with my ex and got a blowie from her cousin and currently I’m getting molested by a cougar at the bar!!!! Plenty to give thanks for this year!!!!
Randomize
