remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My vagina just recognized that song.
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Houston, we have a squirter
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
And now you understand the importance of Saturday naps.
Because you stay up all night having sex and eating sushi?
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I appear to have wine on my toes. I am really not clear as to how this happened. I'm gonna have a little lie down.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
