i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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