After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.
He kept saying the best defense against a lion is to punch it in the throat.
Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The fact that I can now puke rainbows on snapchat makes my life that much better
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Will u lay on an air mattress with me and drink vodka while we listen to Rick James?
Someone threw up pink in the shower, there's a golf cart tipped over on the lawn and Cousin Brian is missing. What could Friday night throw at us?
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
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