Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
They get 5 minutes to wear their speedos at the wedding
Oh my god I'll have to be really drunk for that
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
had a dream you helped me fill my shoes with yogurt. we were even like "why didn't we think of this before?!" like it was just so obvious
that sounds like something we'd do... we're onto something here
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
i really love you but i feel kinda dumb about it
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
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