Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
Dinner?
YES CON MARGARITAS POR FAVOR!!!! MUCHO MARGARITAS!!!
Gotta admit I did think about bartering you out to the gay guys for $20 and the dudes flashy neck scarf
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
Yeah, I probably need some combination of electric shock, massive quantities of LSD, and enough couch time time to make Woody Allen say "Enough".
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Yeah we've been texting but I don't know how to just randomly throw in sooo the real reason this is happening is because i hear you're a drug dealer
I look excited, but its just a facade.
I told him I was studying his body for art, so now I have to actually do a drawing of him to not look like a creep and so we can hook up again.
Randomize
