I wish they made helmets for livers.
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
You couldn't remember her number so you tried to dial her name into your phone. Once you realized you didn't know her name, you dialed 7 random numbers
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
My mom just looked at me and said; "You've been pretty bitchy lately do you need some dick?" WTF has happened to me?
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
Randomize
