I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I don't know how I'm gonna do that tomorrow. I feel like I was hit by the motorhome. LOL I WAS.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
he said he did everything he could to puke on his nurses because they were doing everything wrong
Thats admirable.
It's always nice when a total stranger hates your ex just as much as you think they should.
So he came on my stomach this morning and I totally forgot about it until after you poured that body shot.
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I purposely left my thong and accidentally left my ethics book, hairspray and most of my dignity.
Randomize
