Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
370HSSV 0773H read that upside down
what are you doing with your life
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
If I had feelings, you would have hurt them.
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
Well, we 69'd in the Jacuzzi. If that tells you the kind of night I had. Neither of us knew we could hold our breath that long. Deff. Most. Dangerous. Sex. Ever.
the cop found his r2d2 bong and asked me if i ever smoked out of him. i'm like, no sir. he's like ahh. if i were to smoke, it'd definitely be out of some star wars character.
easily made my night.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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