My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
She was pretty drunk. It was like watching a puppy explore the world for the first time.
Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
There was confetti in my vomit this morning... Happy New Year!!
The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Donated a pint of blood at 6 and pub crawl started at 7. Thank your lucky stars I'm still alive today.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
Randomize
