He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.
I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.
Hahah. They reconnected again?
Like with his penis I guess
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
He sent me a blank text message. That's a booty call waiting to happen
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
You know you've found a good drug dealer when he's willing to overnight mail to you in another state...
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
Randomize
