No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
We free pour in this house. Measuring alcohol is for the weak
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