I love wearing low cut shirts cuz then when class gets boring, I can look down and admire my breasts.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.
I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Using your ex girlfriend's little brother to pick up women at the a&p: priceless
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I figured working in my office on the 34th floor I'd be safe railing xanax off my desk. Of course, I snort it just in time for the window washer guy to give me a thumbs up.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
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