We were busted for public indecency in the back of my car in the parking lot. This time we were just reading my Cosmo magazine.
i knew she was high when she broke up the cookies into her glass of milk and ate it like cereal
jungle juice + heels + stairs = broken arm
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
You fell asleep mid blowjob with my vibrator in your HAND. So no, I will not bring you pizza.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
This snow needs to melt so I can get wasted on someones front lawn
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
You are a genius and a whore.
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