Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I woke up naked under desk at her apt once during my freshman year. I should have known that friendship was of a different breed...
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
I feel like your personal Bdsm barbie...
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
