I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart
Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Got high again and all I want to do is wave this flag around
The album on my phone containing gross pictures to send when boys ask for nudes is now substantially larger than my normal photo album. Because I send one every night
walk of shamed to graduation. ending college with a bang....
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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