also i tucked his toothbrush in my shirt. why? i dont know.
the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
Apparently this is my life now. Fucking men in their 30s with small dogs.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
I don't know how I got home but I'm pretty sure the guy in my closet had something to do with it
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
