I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
His girlfriend left him for the pizza guy. I am not fucking kidding.
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
