moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
I just puked on the sidewalk. At 11am. Thought you'd like to know.
Just found out I lit my hair on fire last night.
Shhh embrace your inner whore. Just embrace it.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
