Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
the bitch is dead man
YOUR DOG DIED?
no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
david just texted me. reply with photo of genitalia? y/n
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
