How drunk are you??
I'm flawless.
It's chlamydia! Thank God!
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
DICK PUNCH EXTRAVAGANZAAAAAA!!!!!
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
When i like your selfie it means one of two things. 1. thats a nice photo, friend. OR 2. I wanna bend you over a table. But youll never know.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
Whiskey and tits go great with anything. Especially fire.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
