No, don't ignore my call, i just need to know, whats cuter a pig in boots or a miniature horse sitting down..
New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
I wrapped my scarf around his head and then made him go down on me
And I also said, "probe me"
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
never planned on seeing last weekend's one night stand again, much less be on the same plane as him..
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
