Umm I'm too high to move.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Happiness for him is a different happiness than you can supply cuz you have life standards, morals and goals that dont include the bar or beer everynight.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I ended up in bed with a man from London in a sorority wing I am not apart of. Tequila fucks you up
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
They've taken all the lighthearted fun out of S&M.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Apparently walking into a national conference and proclaiming "i'm here to fuck shit up" is frowned upon.
Who knew?
My EX’s roommate heard about the breakup and offered to help me bang it out. I think she hates her even more than I do.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
