I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
Chalk up having sex in a car wash.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.
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