people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
Drunkenly found an error on my bar tab last night. THANK YOU ACCOUNTING.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure
currently wearing a football players overly sized underwear. discovered a shot count on my leg. I'm a tank hahahhh
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I made this pact with my vagina, though. No more heartless fuckery.
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
Just made a diving catch to save a handle of Fireball falling out of the car. ESPN worthy.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
Randomize
