Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time
swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that
Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.
Also this guy in my contact as hairy jerry sent me a pic of him shirtless and said I miss you and I have no idea who he is /when or if I met him but that's not normal?!
Watching a bear prancing around in a tiara is worth a loss of bar time.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
He got punched in the face last night? By who? I’ll invite him to our formal. Seriously.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Its 9 am & i've been cleaning for 6 hours now with occasional crying bursts and two cocktails. Adulting 101.
As she came, she moaned Roll Tide. I kid you not.
Came up to an intersection and someone was blasting My Chemical Romance at like 9 AM. They're DEFINITELY having a good day
Randomize
