Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
I woke up hungover and reached for a glass of water only to realize too late that it was vodka sprite with my splooge in it.
I just typed my entire senior project presentation on my blackberry,
just bought a 30 and sold it for $2 a can to some dumb ass high school kids. now lets buy two and get really drunk
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
These eggs taste like chocolate chip cookies. This is the best hangover ever.
I apologize for tapping your ass. It was a friendly tap. Like Casper. Ya know
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
Cancel your plans for the fourth someone is streaming iron chef on twitch
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