This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
It's nice to sit in the library and see the progression from freshman pledge to 6th year coke addict all at one table. Gotta love sororities
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
Of course, you have to give the courtesy text like last night when I told you my dick was gonna smell like peppermint
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Just got a handjob in the hospital
A new low.
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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