remember that time i ran away from the bar and passed out in a street cot?
neither do i
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'd rather be castrated by angry chipmunks Than live your life for 24 hours
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I'm just gonna go with where the wind takes me. if it takes me to his dick, so be it.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
