I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Awkward interaction of the day: Staring at some guy trying out if he is or is not the guy that woke me up yesterday by getting arrested in front of my apartment.
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter
My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans
You've been usurped as King of the Gays
It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.
I can't! Its just like the night that I bathed you, I didn't tell anyone.
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
It was technically 11... But I go by McDonald's time, if they aren't servin breakfast, it's the afternoon. Therefore I can drink
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
Randomize
