some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
Randomize
