No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus
i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
how was last night?
i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
BTW, you ever shave a dick into my dog, I'll cut you. I'll laugh first, but then I'll cut you
Update: that felon in Georgia I slept with is now a police officer. What a wonderful world
I tried to trade my phone for pizza last night. I guess I had priorities last night
If I die here, tell my vagina and my cats that I'm sorry.
Chaz got drunk and passed out so we superglued a kazoo to his mouth. Listening to him Panic when he woke up was fucking hilarious.
Randomize
