Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
It wasn't until like 4 and when we got off the phone you said god was summoning you back into the bar
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
At IHOP. It feels weird and sad that your cleavage isn't here for me to try to toss paper wads into.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
You ghosted you're own booty call. Wow what a sad sad man.
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