I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
so i am drinking whiskey and watching home alone 2 by myself. it turns out moving to a foreign country isn't all that different after all.
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
He drives a tundra! Of course I fucked him. Im just saying eventually im going to need help moving and he has a nice truck. Its like thank you for later on
and then you called me a third time and yelled that you were stealing a puppy named Willow
He started saying the pledge of allegiance so his boner would go down. Merica.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
Would it be rude to use my vibrator? like he forfeited his right to be mad when he left me orgasmless...right?
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
