1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
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sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...
Don't worry. This time I'll get black out drunk so they'll just think it's an American thing.
You rang?
Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
I just met him at a place called the meat farm, Jesus be a shield.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
this kid sitting diagonally in front of me is searching "cheap bongs" on google. hahahhaaha. who does this kid think he is?
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