so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
Was that picture taken before or after I supposedly punched him in the face?
I feel like everything I touch in this bar I'm gonna get hepatitis. my kinda joint
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
My greatest achievement in life thus far is being the go to friend when you have questions about butt plugs.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate