You're only the seventh guy she's ever kissed. Somesones gunna get EPICALLY stalked
I had a dream you and I were having sex. It was pretty romantic.... until you started pulling out toys.
No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
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THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
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He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.