Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
The fabulous human disaster: it is him
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize
