I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
Why does lindsey know I was naked in the kitchen?
She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
No no no he wouldn't talk to me before I showed his best friend how good I am at twerking
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
yknow last night was like... the third night in a row alex woke me up to make sure i wasn't dead and tbh it's sorta sweet.