Baconater + red wine = first meal of the day
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
I hope this adventure ends at a hospital
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
Ted is on HBO in 20 minutes...not sure if this or the drunken dance party I had at the bar to a N*SYNC Christmas song 20 minutes ago is the highlight of my week so far.
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
There is no rule that you can't be in a room with more than one dick that's been inside you.
Randomize
