my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
I just threw up birthday cake.. who's birthday was it?
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
