1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
I just found a GIANT thermos of sangria in my sink. I don't know if its still good to drink, but its good to drink.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
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