Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
it was good, but also weird. like, i came four times and then cried weird.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
It's a special kind of bond when your gay brother takes pics of you topless at a frat party.
No we were too stoned to stop you from wiping the peanut butter all over the car.
im about to bake her parents a "thank you for making such beautiful babies, ive had sex with all 5 of them" cake
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
Randomize
