I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
Got serenaded to on the streets of Denver...the song was about a young banana that made really big decisions, got stds, and joined a gang. I think I like Colorado
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
Randomize
