If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
Have you ever just woke up in the morning and felt pregnant
You just sat there staring at your apple and saying "I'm so glad you're here" to it every time you took a bite.
I want a musical about memes.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
