Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
I'm doing this for my boobs. They miss him.
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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