I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
He is the Donovan McNabb of stuff up his ass. Tell me that tomorrow. Too high to remember.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
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