I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Sorry. Im too sleepy to penis.
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