i fuckib htae you, you church bitch.
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
I'm seriously considering starting a savings account so I'll have bail money this summer.
Dude my roommate just peed out the window
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