i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...
when she asked where we met, i said the liquor store. the next words out of moms mouth? 'oh that's real promising molly'
Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?
Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Randomize
