Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We are smoking a hash blunt ... Bring your emergency inhaler
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
It's like rock paper scissors. Cold showers and smoking beat hangovers.
The front camera on the 5S is SO much better. This is great development for my international sexting.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
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