Booty call?
Dude you don't even follow my twitter
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Let's just say that the best way to get a girls attention is not to slap her on the ass from the window of a moving cab.
I just really need a hug and a shower beer
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
I don't feel like that was meant as a compliment, but really still feels like one
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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