I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
Our first time hooking up was on New Years and we've managed to hook up every holiday since, I'm hoping this lasts until 2016 just to fulfill my American Holiday sex fantasy I never knew I had
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
Every time Brady gets sacked I cum a little...
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